When I was growing up, there weren’t all of these gathering at school in which parents have to feel constantly on the ball.  At my kids’ previous school, second grade is the year that there is a class gathering with food prepared by parents almost every month.  And not just any kind of food; it’s themed to what they are learning.  My favorite was West African Cassava Cakes, which tasted horrible, and didn’t even look appealing, but that the teacher insisted we make.  There was always the mom who managed to make her ethnic treats look and taste great, but I wasn’t one of them.  There were also often themed days, in which kids had to dress up as a famous person on Monday, wear the school colors on Tuesday, don elegant clothes on Wednesday,  and throw on pajamas on Thursday.  My fear was what if I got the days wrong and my child came dressed at Abraham Lincoln while every one else was in pajamas?

It’s all a little bit too much.

I also just got a note from my son’s director, thanking the parents for sending snacks with their kids for the long rehearsals they have had.  Um, I’m haven’t sent in any snacks. It never occurred to me. And to think I was so proud of dealing with scheduling the hand surgeon for my daughter with her broken finger and sending the check for the France trip.  But then I had this realization: whatever you do will never be enough.  Not for you or for anyone.  There’s always more that you could be doing.

This is why people look so exhausted all the time.  They are wacking away at all the balls, keeping them in the air.  And they are taking on concerns that aren’t theirs, like whether school robotics club will happen this year, and whether their friends’ marriage is breaking up, or whether a neighbors’ house should be condemned because it’s in such bad disrepair.  I used to do that, until I got a painful eye condition.  Part of healing for me involves letting balls drop and not taking stuff on that I don’t need to take on.  I no longer respond to emails within the hour, as though I had a gun pressed to head.  I no longer need to solve everyone’s marriage and financial issues.  It’s not easy to change, but I’m doing it.  Today I walked by the dilapidated house on my walk home and didn’t take it on.

This applies to major issues in the world too.  I can’t solve global poverty and the plight of the polar bears, and the transgender fight, and all the racism and violence in our world.  But, I can be kind. I can raise my kids to treat others fairly and be open minded, I can vote and march and write.  I can focus on a being that person who is bringing good energy to the world, not complaining about the weather and housing prices and whether men listen– all things I can’t control.

The reality is, we can control so little.  Starting with a calm mind is a great start, since we can’t offer peace if we don’t have it.

As you think about the work you want to bring to the world stage, think about all the balls you are juggling and how many of them you can let go of.  If you look carefully, you’ll realize that you don’t have to do everything asked of you.  Yes, bringing African-themed cookies is essential for your second grader– and we thankfully got all those years of gatherings right.  But once they are in sixth grade and the teacher doesn’t bother to tell you, let alone your son, a few Tic-Tacs is good enough.  One fewer ball to carry.  Figure out your should’s and let go of those.  The world needs you to be lighter so that you don’t bring more burdens, but instead your humor, your joy and your gifts.

One of the best things I learned years ago in my financial life was to have a clear plan outlining how much we made, how much we spent– tracking every single expense every day for over twenty years, which may be boring but is really helpful–and what we valued in terms of spending, such as education and travel instead of fancy clothes and cars. But I realized as ten pounds crept on in the past few years, that I didn’t have the same clear plan and “road map” when it came to fitness and health. It took me a while to realize that I need to treat my fitness goals the way I treat my finances. Now I’m learning to record what I eat, just as I keep note of what I spend. I’m also preparing for contingencies with “Plan B” work-out videos at home for days when there’s a storm outside and I can’t get to the gym.

What’s even more important in this new year is notice the things in general that are getting in the way of the life that you want. Now is the time to assess what works and what doesn’t. Do you have supportive friends and family members who inspire you, or do you feel as though you do all the listening and giving? It is true that opposites attract but not always in a good way. If you are a great listener who is naturally generous, it’s essential to watch out for people who love to talk endlessly about themselves and ask for favors and take advantage of your good will. We all know how it feels to have people talk and/or brag continuously. It leaves us feeling drained and annoyed. Having boundaries here isn’t cold; it’s essential for protecting your spirit.

Beyond relationships, it’s important to ask if you like where you live, how you spend your time, and the work you do. Do you feel as though you’re making a difference? If not, now is the time to think about changes you can make, starting with surrounding yourself with positive people who want to help you and who inspire you to do great things. I often ask clients to think about the scenario that they have a year to live and have to decide how to spend their time and with whom. Some people end up realizing that they are living someone else’s values—with all the trappings of success (big house, nice cars), but that they are not inspired and fulfilled and surrounded by people who build them up. This can be a rude but important awakening. I also ask clients to imagine being very old and looking back at their life and describing all the things that made it so special. This can be a wake up call for some, and for others, a sign that they are on the right path. The key to all of this is to figure out what you value and make sure that all your actions and choices are in line with those values. The worst thing is to let others choose your values by just going along with the crowd, since the crowd is often lost themselves, thinking that social media and reality TV will teach them what they need to know, which of course is not true.

To find your world stage, don’t let the worlds’ demands, your day-to-day obligations or others’ agendas get in the way of preserving your pilot light. That is the light within you that you need to protect at all costs, the way you protect the fire that keeps you warm when you’re in the wilderness. Like a pilot light that allows for a flame to burn, the metaphorical one is the one that drives your passion. You can’t let that go out and must protect it at all costs. If you do that, then the world is your oyster.

Two years ago, just after having read this book for the first time, I flew home with my two children but without my husband from Tokyo to Newark en route to Boston.  The 13 hour flight from Tokyo had terrible turbulence the entire flight and the food was terrible, so that when we landed, the kids felt sick and exhausted.  But because of our quick lay-over, we had to push our way through customs and immigration and then run for our next flight.  My 11 year-old daughter felt panicked and sick when we boarded the flight to Boston at the last minute.  (We were so late, everyone was seated and ready to go and the doors were closing.) We were just about to sit down in our seats when my daughter collapsed in the aisle. In that moment, everything went to slow motion as I looked at my child, out stone cold.  I had no idea what had happened and was terrified.  I turned to a plane packed with 300 people and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Is there a doctor on board?”  Another few seconds went by slowly with no one responding, until finally a doctor’s hand went up, a pediatric cardiologist, and then a nurse.  (The flight attendants, who are trained for emergencies, had zero interest in helping.)  The nurse asked the flight full of people who had Benadryl, since my daughter was awake by then but having an allergic reaction. 25 people raised their hands.  I surveyed the hundreds of people witness to this emergency, and most people were looking down at their phones, pretending that nothing was happening at all.  And 10% looked actively pissed that this little girl was getting in the way of their travel plans.  And there it was:  10% helped, 80% ignored the problem, and 10% got in the way.

The good news is that my daughter was fine– she had fainted and was having a mild allergic reaction to something she had eaten.  I later learned what happened to the nice doctor who helped us and even advocated for us to be able to stay on that flight since my daughter was now fine.  (We were ultimately kicked off the flight and had to wait another few hours until my daughter was deemed safe to fly).  But when the Middle Eastern doctor went to the cockpit to talk to the pilot, they thought he might be a terrorist, so they pushed him back to his seat.  I learned about this because he is colleagues with my friend’s husband. I never forgot how people acted on that plane.  And I remembered from the book that in a life or death situation in which you are trying to survive, some people will be there to help, but most people will get in your way, so you need to be able to advocate for yourself and have a plan.

As you think about what your world stage is, however large or small, remember that you want to always be and surround yourself with the top 10%, not just in emergencies, but in life in general.  There will always be the 10% who get in the way of your dreams, as well as the 80% who don’t understand the urgency of your dreams, thinking that you have all the time in the world to do what you love, so why not just wait another 10 years? 10% will be supportive of you and act on their own dreams as well.  Those are the people to surround yourself with. If you commit to being the top 10%, nothing can stop you.

As business philosopher, Jim Rohn, once said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”  Some of us have dreams we haven’t taken seriously because the people around us are too busy expecting us to be there for them, or to just sit around and be stuck, because that will make them feel better.  Making changes and going to the next level of success can be very tough, because it sometimes means making new choices about how you spend your time and with whom.  If people expect you to be the friend who is always there for them and you’re now working 24/7 to finally get that novel done or to launch the new business, they may be hurt.  This is where setting kind but firm boundaries and saying no more often is helpful.  If we don’t set those boundaries that allow for our dreams to flourish, we can easily get pulled back into what is comfortable and easy–which is not writing, not working, not achieving.  We want to be the good friend, the caring parent, the helpful person who never says no.  But is it worth it, just so that we can be the person who is always there no matter what for everyone?

At the end of your life, do you want to have gone for your dreams or pleased everyone around you?  You get to choose, but it’s not possible to do both. The family and friends who really care about you will respect your new boundaries and cheer you on as you say yes to yourself, one step at a time.  The others will fall away. In order to move to your world stage, you have to consciously choose who gets to come with you and whom you need to leave behind.  So this week, raise your standards for what you can and will achieve and notice who is still standing beside you.

So often people trying to find their world stage are so overwhelmed by all the things they want to change in their lives, that they don’t do anything. So often we want to lose 10 pounds in a week, as the grocery store magazines promise, but what if we just do one tiny step like start walking around the block once before dinner?  Or eating desserts only on weekends?  Many of us think that doing something small will have no impact, but what if we played the guitar 5 min per day or practiced Spanish every time we were in the car?  We would start to see small shifts that over time really add up to a life we love.

The key to finding your world stage is first asking yourself what you wish you had in your life and then taking the first tiny step. If you want to find a partner, perhaps you try smiling at every person you encounter as you walk down the street instead of looking at your phone.  If you want to start finding paying work after having been at home with kids, perhaps you start by saying no to any new volunteering so you can carve out time for you.

If you think about how a garden grows, it always starts with tiny seeds, that if cultivated, grow into something beautiful.  The same is true for people. What is your next tiny step?

The next day, however, I found out that I was not chosen to be in the performance.  At first, no matter how I spun it, it felt lousy to be rejected, particularly after auditioning for the first time in years.  I let myself feel bad for one day, and then I woke up the next day and decided to reframe the experience.   What was good about this? How could I view this differently?  I decided that my rejection didn’t take away from the positive experience and that I had written a strong performance piece I could use elsewhere.  I reminded myself that each new rejection was leading me closer to success.

When Madeleine L’Engle sent A Wrinkle In Time out, she was rejected by 26 publishing houses until she got a yes.  The book went on to be a huge success, but not without controversy.  Some saw the book as too religious and some thought it not religious enough.  At first, Ms. L’Engle was bothered by the criticism, but then she realized the upside by reframing it:  “’It seems people are willing to damn the book without reading it. Nonsense about witchcraft and fantasy. First I felt horror, then anger, and finally I said, ‘Ah, the hell with it.’ It’s great publicity, really.”

What is the upside to rejection?  How can you reframe failure?  In order to find your world stage, the first step is to stop letting fear of rejection keep you from taking little steps toward your dream.  What would you do if you didn’t have any fear?  Now, go do it.